Soy is making me gay

We stopped drinking cow milk because it gave Kathy tummy-aches. We stopped drinking soy milk because it was making me gay. We now drink rice milk, which is whitish like milk, but tastes like the water leftover when you boil spaghetti.

Soy was making me gay because it contains lots of estrogen-like hormones. I also developed an icky, itchy, rapid-growing scar on my chest, called a keloid scar, that also contains a lot of estrogen. I decided the estrogen in soy, other than making me gay, was also making my scars grow and hurt.

But I can't escape soy, it's in everything. Look at your food labels. Soybean oil, soy lecithin, soy makeyougayogens.

I have nothing against gay people, mind you, but my wife would if I became one.

Evidence that soy is making me gay:

• My wife picked out some curtains, I thought they were lovely.
• We went to a wedding yesterday, and I checked out the groom's butt, and then told other people to check it out, and said, "That's a nice butt."
• I thought The Dark Knight was too violent.
• I cried when I watched Anne of Green Gables.
• I don't like sports.
• I don't like red meat.
• I wink at people, (could be evidence of creepiness, not necessarily gayness).

Other than avoiding soy, I'm also averting gayness by dressing like a bum, and being slovenly in general. Depending on how messy the house gets, my wife might not mind the change.