How to Marry the Right One

Kathy always feared that she would marry a closet homosexual, until she met me. I am so straight that my burps taste like steak and beer even though I don't drink. I am so straight my pheromones smell like Old Spice. I've been checking out girls since before I could talk.

Although, I was a transvestite.


I thought we were too normal of a couple to have any interesting insights to share. Kathy's friend is married to a homosexual. They share their struggles and ideas in this blog. They have a really unique perspective to add to the long list of marriage advice. But I realized that we are a rare couple too - We're happy.

So many people get desperate for love, companionship, and sex that they marry too quickly and end up with the wrong person.

Here's some tips on how you can avoid that disaster and marry the right one:

1. Don't get physical too fast.

I went on dates with Kathy for nearly three months before I even held her hand. That may be too long for some people. But you need to have what my mom calls "emotional intercourse" before you get physical.

My mom also uses the word "orgasmic" to describe food. But she has a point. You need to find out if you'll like this person for who they are and not just for what they look like. Beauty fades into wrinkles and fat, but you're stuck with that person until death, divorce, or eternity, so make sure you get along with them first.

My dad was a horny returned missionary when he met my mom. They got married, had sex, and realized that they had made a mistake. 10 years and 2 kids later they were divorced. Sucked for me.

If you get too physical too fast you will fall in love with a person who might not be good for you.

You may start by holding hands. Then kissing. Then snuggling. And then you'll start looking up the definitions of petting and necking from For the Strength of Youth so you can do those too.
Holding hands is the gateway drug. Don't be afraid to put that off.

Some will move in with each other and have sex before marriage. Such decisions lead more often to divorce. They are less likely to achieve the goal of a stable, happy family. Children deserve stability. To give them otherwise is selfish in the extreme.

2. Find someone who lets you be you.

I knew Kathy was 'the one' when I accidentally burped in her face. We were sitting next to each other studying, and I turned to say something when a beer-smelling belch rumbled up like a cow fart from my acidic stomach, past my tongue and gums, and splashed into her face like a hot, wet, towel of air. She laughed.

Marry someone who loves you for who you are. I dated a girl for six months who did not laugh at my jokes. She thought they were immature and stupid. When she dumped me I cried for days. I was in love with her because you can fall in love with anyone if you spend enough time with them.

I have a friend who is desperately in love with a girl who is embarrassed to be with him. She wishes he wasn't as goofy as he is. He wants to change and become "better." That's bullcrap. If someone doesn't love you for who your are, it's not because you need to be "better." We all need to be better. It's because you're not a match.

Kathy laughs at all of my stupid jokes.

3. Marry someone who is good with money

I had a roommate who dumped a girl because she spent $2000 in student loans on clothes and crap. He saw that she was irresponsible with money.
Kathy and I do our budget every month. I usually go over my allotted amount. She rarely does. Every paycheck we put 10% to tithing, 10% to savings, and use 10% to pay off our debts.

Some people use money differently and have different financial goals. I only want to work 40 hours a week, so that I can be home with the wife and future kids during evenings and weekends. Others will want to work 80 hour weeks so that they can buy more crap or retire early.

Make sure you marry someone who has your same ideas concerning money.

If you are a big spender but find that you are always behind in bills, and never can seem to get out of debt, consider reading books on personal finance, and change your ways.

4. Marry someone you are attracted to.

"If you are not attracted to your wife, your marriage does not have a snowball's chance in hell." It's a line a High Counselor used in his otherwise coma-inducing talk.

I think there are exceptions to this rule. Your wife will not. If you do not find your wife attractive, she will forever feel undesirable, and somehow flawed. She will likely cry a lot. She will try to be "better" to make up for it, in much the same way a guy will try to be "better" if a girl is not attracted to his personality. Such change is futile.

And following rule #1, make sure you are attracted to their personality. Marry someone who is your intellectual equal.

5. Avoid a "heated imagination." I.e. pornography and romance.

The media already does enough to distort our sense of beauty. Pornography will distort it almost beyond help. It will keep you from getting married. If you hide the problem and do get married, it will lead to unhappiness for you and your spouse, and will ruin your marriage. Seek counseling and repent if you have this problem.

This applies not only to men. Women may distort their desires through romantic media. Whereas pornography will cause men to have a distorted desire for air-brushed beauty, romance will cause women to have a distorted desire for an air-brushed personality.

C.S. Lewis said:
"You and I, for the last twenty years, have been fed all day long on good solid lies about sex."

"We grow up surrounded by propaganda in favor of unchastity. There are people who want to keep our sex instinct inflamed in order to make money out of us. Because, of course, a man with an obsession is a man who has very little sales-resistance."

"Contemporary propaganda for lust . . . make us feel that the desires we are resisting are so "natural," so "healthy," and so reasonable, that it is almost perverse and abnormal to resist them. Poster after poster, film after film, novel after novel, associate the idea of sexual indulgence with the ideas of health, normality, youth, frankness, and good humor. Now this association is a lie. Like all powerful lies, it is based on a truth - the truth. . . that sex in itself is normal and healthy."

That's it.

Find someone who is good to you, and good for you. You will not find the perfect man or woman, because, as my friend Bill says, "Sorry ladies, the perfect man died 2,000 years ago."


Jenny said...

That was so insightful. We have a couple in our ward - 10 years our senior- and he just moved out. Cheating - no remorse or desire to stop, even for the sake of his four children. I always thought them an odd mix - personality wise-, then learned later when we visited them that they had a lot of problems in their marriage. At the time the wife said "It's just gotten better recently." That was probably about the time he started seeing someone else. I remember thinking that it sounded like they were too physical and forgot to do inventory on the rest of their relationship before making eternal covenants. It really is too bad people are so proud to realize they make a covenant with the Lord AND their spouse. Even if the spouse isn't being the person you wish they were, you are still sealed to the Lord in a covenant that you need to honor.

It's so great to read your blog. I had no idea that Kathy married such a great guy, although she's pretty amazing so it stands to reason. . .

Keep up the "cuddling!" No better emotional support when stress and life hits. Glad you are still newlyweds.

kathy said...

I like you. A lot. But I'm sure glad you're not into plaid dresses anymore.

Miss Ashley said...

This is the best thing I have EVER read. Ever!

Nicholas James West said...

"Marry someone you are attracted to."

That one doesn't really work for the gay couple does it? Unless you define attraction as purely intellectual.

I'll have to read their blog when I have a few minutes.

Bran said...

I really appreciate your post. I agree completely that all of the things mentioned are essential in picking someone to marry.

I am the gay guy mentioned in this post. Just wanted to say that even with the gayness, I completely agree with #4. I am very attracted to my wife--emotionally, intellectually, and here's a shocker--physically. If I weren't, marriage would not work out incredibly well. In our case, the friendship and the emotional connection was a lot stronger in the beginning than the physical desire. However, as time has passed, my physical desire for her has grown leaps and bounds.
This is something that I would like people to know: Physical attraction can be nurtured and grown.
Lest anyone think otherwise. My marriage is going great and the sex is FANTASTIC :)